I am meant to be here

A simple mantra that brought calmness in a tough time.

Trigger warning - depression and suicide.

Becoming a parent has been the ultimate highlight of my life. Since becoming a mother, I have felt a real sense of purpose to my life and a desire to help them avoid some of the ‘hard’ lessons I’ve learnt and to avoid some of the pain I’ve experienced. However, as I get older I realise that this isn’t always possible. What I’ve learnt is that the most important thing I can do to support my children is to take care of myself, to get support so that I don’t pass down my own negative beliefs and anxieties to them. This is how I can truly help them. To grow and heal.

The problem I faced for many years is that I felt like I had to give my children every single part of my energy otherwise I would be judged as a bad mother. I rarely had a break. With the lack of sleep on top of Post Natal Depression, I was on a slippery slope to even more impactful mental health issues. I eventually got some professional help but I still didn’t implement the most essential part of healing my brain… rest. How do you rest when you are raising children? What kind of mother puts herself above her children just so she can rest? The judgement was real. The judgement was from me.

I continued on my path taking in personal development books, drinking green smoothies and cutting out gluten thinking that I could just ‘healthify’ myself and heal by doing even more.

Things started to really come to head when I got divorced and had to change my entire life. I felt scared and completely isolated. It truly is one of the hardest things to go through in life. I was in survival mode as I got a new job, went through all of the paperwork and started creating new routines in all aspects of my life. This survival mode lasted several years.

When life started to settle down and I felt like I could breathe, my mental health took a nose dive. In previous years there had been a few difficult moments of depression but it never lasted too long. Perhaps I didn’t have time to let it in. Perhaps I was just too tired and took it with me on the journey.

I would think that if you were to ask friends about my personality they would say that I’m very positive, always smiling and happy to help. When a particularly difficult depression episode hit me I was barely able to get out bed. The only reason I would was for my kids. I didn’t want them to think they couldn’t rely on their mum. It lasted for about 3 weeks and then finally lifted. I was grateful it passed but it scared me in its wake. It was only 2 weeks later when it came back to visit.

This time it was more intense. Unable to get out of bed without significant struggle, exhausted at the thought of having a shower, alternating between binge eating and not eating at all. However, it lasted around 3 weeks again and then passed. I would crawl out of bed and get the kids ready for school. I would eat a little and then log on to my work computer and start the day. With a smile of course. I would get through the day, the kids would be home, they would need dinner then I would get them in bed by 7pm and then I would crash. This continued. Every month. But it got worse each time.

Nearly 8 months passed and I reached out to my doctor who referred me to a psychologist. They have been an absolute blessing to have their support and knowledge. I’m so grateful I reached out because the next month I had reached the lowest point to date where I was having suicidal thoughts. I thought these just came to people who had really hard lives. People who had drinking problems or who had been hurt as a child. Why was this happening to me? I had my amazing little family, we had enough money and a gorgeous home. I ate well, I didn’t drink, I never did drugs. I did everything right. Why was this happening to me?

I had to quit my job as I couldn’t function. I needed time to heal. My calendar started filling up with appointments of different therapists, blood tests and alternative therapies after that day. The lowest day. I survived that lowest day which I am so grateful for. However, it really was only the beginning of my healing.

After speaking with professionals I was diagnosed with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) which is where women get severe symptoms between ovulation and menstruation. For some it only lasts a few days each month. For others it lasts the whole 2-3 weeks. For me, it was the whole 3 weeks (as I have a longer cycle).

When I’m in a depressive episode, the thoughts are challenging to rationalise as I know that it will be back next month. This is why women with PMDD become suicidal. There doesn’t seem like an end in sight. This was the hardest part of it all.

After having 3 months of continual improvement (so grateful!) I had another tough month. In fact it began just over a week ago and I’m in the midst of it as I write this all down. Earlier this week the suicidal thoughts came flooding back. This time I had a stronger plan, I have deeper levels of support and the suicidal thoughts didn’t last as long. My support team is big. My family plus a suite of professionals; psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, naturopath and chiropractor.

Through all of this, I haven’t been able to tell many people. I felt shame and guilt over it. I felt the shame that I wasn’t able to ‘personal development’ myself out of it. I felt guilt over how much time I was needing to heal.

As I was going to sleep last night a mantra came to me ‘I am meant to be here’. It seemed so simple yet it had such an impact on me.

There are 2 parts to this mantra…

I am MEANT to be here - meaning that I am meant to be alive, I am meant to have this life and I am meant to continue to live.

I am meant to be HERE - meaning that this is where I am meant to be. The frustrations that would come up that I haven’t healed quick enough are toxic. This is exactly how healed I am meant to be right now and that is perfectly ok.

The peace that washed over me as I repeated this mantra was felt physically. My whole body relaxed. The shame I felt of having a mental health issue while being a mother was eating me up. I felt like I would be judged (because I was judging myself so harshly). I felt like I would be excluded (because I was isolating myself already). I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on because of these thoughts.

After repeating the mantra ‘I am meant to be here’ I knew that I wanted to share my story even if it’s to a few perfectly friendly strangers online. Maybe someone will get some comfort from my story in knowing that they aren’t alone in their own struggles.

Even as I write this, I’m not 100% convinced that I’ll press publish. Maybe I will. Maybe I wont. I guess if you are reading this, then I did 😉.

If you are going through mental health struggles then I urge you to reach out for support. I couldn’t have done it without the team of support I have around me. This team of people are around me even when I’ve pushed them away.

My first reach out for support was an online organisation called Beyond Blue. I had a text conversation with them during one episode that really helped me reach out to others. Most of the time the thoughts of isolation and loneliness are so overwhelming I felt that I had no one to turn to. These people were amazing. Here is the link for Beyond Blue if you need help - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

I know that some days will be hard but I will keep moving forward and healing so that my children get to enjoy my awesomeness and I get to have a long and incredible life.